My favorite time of the year. The 2023 lists. I am James DePaolo, and since 2010 on some site or another I have provided lists of my favorite and least favorite things in the fields of both films and music. Again, thank you to Jason Crews and his crew of peeps that since 2014 has let me come on here and do this. Like the gospel of Cibo Matto, “You got to know your chicken”. Enjoy the list and much love.
PLANE
Gerard Butler is the new go to actor for all these dumb action films. 95 guys with guns at point blank range and they all miss him? Of course, his daughter is that stereotypical American little girl. “Oh, my father, he has to make it back for me”. Only Gerard Butler at the edge of the blade can make every one of his ex-wives in these films just fall in love with him all over again and stop their current relationships. “I love you, even though we are divorced, and I hated you two scenes ago and made love to my current husband and he was a better lover”. What a message to send to women’s equality. Watching a Gerard Butler film is the same as playing Nickelback as loud as possible in your truck on a highway.
THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL AND HER MONSTER
I am just lost for words. I am not sure if this film was a victim of the overhype or that it just did not deliver on the premise. I am all for a new vision in horror on old premises. The Frankenstein film is such an odd territory to step in if you are not fully going to go through with the execution. I feel that this film was unsure of itself more than anything else. It went in so many avenues that detoured the film and the way it wanted to be presented. I feel with horror that social commentary is the new norm. (Which we will get more into later) There is a way to use that to your advantage. This film wanted to touch on horror and then go back to a social commentary that the education system and the way the world looks at race is so wrong. This film I feel in the eyes of its intended crowd may be taken better than a serious horror fan who wants a scare.
A HAUNTING IN VENICE
I think this film would have put Agetha Christie to sleep. I love a good mystery, but there comes a point when the film has to move forward. This film drags and drags. When the reveal happens in the end, it felt forced and just uninspired. The acting was so wooden and just bland. This film lacked personality. There were a few splashes here and there that made me want to stay awake and follow. The ending proved that the nap was the better choice.
KIDS VS. ALIENS
When I saw the initial trailer for this film, I was so beyond stoked. The bad part is that all the good of this film was in the 2-minute trailer. This film felt so incomplete and just lacked substance. It felt like a student film that was rushed. I feel that there has to be a longer cut of this film that we will eventually learn about. This film just felt like it hit the brakes when it wanted to get into darker territory to stay safe. The humor was so stupid. The script would have sounded best if it was in braille.
FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S
For all you people who thought Willy’s Wonderland was too hardcore, here is the watered-down version. I am embarrassed to admit I watched this film. Horror is sacrificed for story. So, horror is too hardcore for kids so let us focus on abduction. I am glad to see Hollywood knows how to cater to the parents. If that was not enough, let us focus on mental health and how fast policewomen will fall in love with suspects. This film makes me so sick. This film in any other year would have been number one. That is your hint, we are going to talk about some real doozies.
SKINAMARINK
Most of today’s voices in horror were not around for films that changed the genre in early decades. So, they see a film like this and have to have their hype film so they can say they were the one who knew this film first. When the voices get louder and you know that no one has clearly seen the film because their reviews all say the same things to a tee. Is this a misunderstood film? Now, The Outwaters can have that honor this year. I know people will claim it was a ripoff of this or that, but I really loved it. Skinaramink is that film that I feel had to be made to show this fanbase that the film makers no longer respect us. They will give us a twenty minute still shot and tell us to interpret what we feel. Now, manipulation in film is always good. This film is not clever or manipulative, it is downright boring and an insult to the genre. Every critic who bragged about this film early on, more than likely had a banner that the company paid for on the page to show their faith that the critic would lie if needed. Buy the ad space here next month and mail me a check, and I will still fucking hate this film. Any critic who claimed this film is so great and the best of anything, you should burn in hell.
MEG 2: THE TRENCH
I got a concept why not have a mashup of Fast and Furious meets Meg. All we need now is Black Adam to help save the day. This film is so bad. I hated the first film, but this one makes me rethink that it could be considered a classic now after this garbage. Please any person reading this, stop supporting these films.
THE BLACK DEMON
Another bad shark film. This time with a message. We are doing the ocean so wrong and that we will all suffer for it. Picture this, you are watching a new version of Jaws and a kid gets killed by the shark. The parent in the next scene has a speech about the importance of watching your kid on the beach and they hammer that point for the rest of the film. We go into a movie about a shark for sheer entertainment, we do not go for a lesson on pollution and environmental holocaust. I think Maggie Rogers wrote the script for this film intended for her next cd. If I know a shark is going to attack me, I am not going to go into a lesson about this could have been reversed. I would be scared and fighting to survive. That sounds like how I felt watching this film.
NEFARIOUS
I have been duped. Talk about false advertising. This film is disgraceful to the fans of this genre. It lies so blatantly and unapologetically. I am going to spoil this film right now, so if you want to see it, avoid this. To tell us you are going to deliver a horror film and turn it into a discussion about religion and how real Satan is, was so insulting and obscene. They have all these talks about faith that paints this picture as some friendly reminder that it is never too late to be saved. I do not need religion to be hidden in ads and then thrown in my face. I think that every person involved in this film should be on their knees begging whoever they pray to, to forgive them for this. Number one has to be something worse than this?
65
Talk about a missed opportunity. Adam Driver battling dinosaurs. So, we have a watered-down version of Ripley in Adam Driver. This film could have been so special if it had a direction and a sense of what it wanted to achieve. Instead, it just goes through the same tropes we have seen over and over. All he needed was glow in the dark eyes and to call the kid Newt. Could this film have worked with any other actor? That is like saying, could this cd have worked better if a different band sang and played instead. Adam Driver is a great actor but when he cannot mesh with the material, this is your end result. This is the worst film of the last five years.
