I hate the notion that most horror fans go into a movie just to hate it. “ I was never a fan of Jason, so I will watch another “ Friday the 13th” film”. They I guess feel they will miraculously just all of a sudden love it. So, that is not the film’s fault, as it is the viewer. These ten movies, I actually went into them excited and ready to be scared or entertained. Yet, what I got was not either but disappointed and in the case of number one, very pissed off. I would give some dishonorable mentions, but I am just ready to let my frustration out on these ten.
BARBARIAN
“The less you know, the better it will be.” The hype was so loud for this film. So, I went in blind and after close to 2 hours, I had more questions than answers about this film. I was into the first 30 minutes, and if the film continued down that rail, I feel I would have liked it more. This film was very frustrating and absurd. I felt in the end, I was let down more than entertained.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn
Can this be the death nail for this franchise? This film was lazy and boring. To call this uninspired would be the equivalent of calling water, wet. This film sadly had zero heart and even less care going into it. It was like the crew put together a couple thousand and said, “Let us put this film out and make millions.” Oh, they made something very unforgettable, but not for the good reasons. Let this be known, no one after the last two films should ever put one penny in another film.
V/H/S/99
To describe this franchise as up and down is fair. Sadly, this was the lowest down they have had. This one is the loudest and most obnoxious one in terms of feel. The weakest in terms of story. I just felt this was rushed just to throw the Shudder tag on it and make a few dimes off of subs. I wish this film had more thought put into it and maybe make the film not so loud but subtle in its attack.
Deadstream
I wanted to love this film. I saw the trailer and instantly dug it. I watched the film and just could not find that love. This film moves at such a slow pace with uninspired lame comedy. I get redundancy in films is key. I mean, “Clerks,” still 30 plus years later use the same catch phrases. This film was the litmus paper at someone wanting to use the “Blair Witch” formula to be a star. Unlike the former, this film just had zero going for it. This ride had me checking the time constantly and just trying to follow the story at all costs while feeling my yawns get heavier.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I really liked the 2003 remake. After that, we got how many more films? Now, Netflix jumps on the bus and puts out a film as well. They should have stopped 19 years ago, and the fans would have been happy. This is how you turn fans on your franchises. This film is embarrassing and made me rethink my love of the legacy. That last statement may be used again.
The Seed
A year ago, I saw the teaser for this film. I was excited for a whole year to see this film. (Another phrase that may be used again) I love the mix of science fiction and horror when it works. I feel that the direction of this film is so unsure that even the actors did not know how to approach the scenes or how to react. In the end, this film just felt so flat and boring.
IT’S A TIE!! THE REQUIN/BODIES BODIES BODIES
THE REQUIN
If Lifetime was putting out shark films. This film is one hour of the most boring dialogue and wooden performances. Alicia Silverstone trying to mimic Blake in “The Shallows”. The last 20 plus minutes we finally get the shark sequences that look so fake. There is not one moment that you watch and feel this is real. At this point in her career, I understand she is under the horror umbrella, but these films are just not good. I would assume she could see a “Clueless” reunion film on Hulu, and that could work.
BODIES BODIES BODIES
I hate this film. I wanted this to be number one so bad, but there are three more films that are far worse. Better yet, let us assume that the next three are tied for second. This film was so uneven and absurd. When you see how the ending plays off, it is just so upsetting. This film tells a story that we have seen played out many times before. This time, they try to make the film “unconventional” and “challenging” just for the sake of being able to use the terms. This film has a script that was written by a bunch of people who did not have a direction or approach but wanted to be able to use their “biting” social commentary over style. I knew this film would have a fucking twist, and I was sticking with it to see how it would play out. My worst fear was the direction in which they went. That “oh shucks” ending that made zero sense but oh lord no one could see coming. A newsflash, no one would want to see it coming.
All Jacked Up and Full of Worms
A year plus ago, the first teaser trailer for this film came out. I was interested. Bloody Disgusting’s owner Brad Miska is a smart businessman. When he has a film that has his name all over it in some way, the reviews will all praise it. It can be questioned if any of these critics actually watched the film, but that is not the issue. The issue is that now that Screambox is his darling, all these films get hyped up and then thrown on the service for people to pay subs to watch them. You get your fanbase into reviews that tell you this film is “ gross” or “ cutting edge” and they see it. Now, they are stuck with a service they only wanted for that one film. While the service is good and well worth the 5.00 monthly tag, to lure people in with films like this is sad. The film is boring and so stupid. This film in terms of material is not “ cutting edge” or “ gross”. The service has so many great films to run the flag for subs, but this film is just so boring and even at over an hour is still too long.
Grimcutty
The first five minutes of this film were so promising. The popular horror trope, you have an awesome kill sequence and then you are thrown in the story. This film is so boring and just stuck in first gear. This film never lives up to its potential and just leaves the viewer so letdown. This film should never have been greenlit and all parties involved in this film should be ashamed.
Halloween Ends
This is how they end the franchise? I mean, you want to make Laurie and the whole town look so fucking stupid. The last film, Michael kept coming to life and killed about 60 people in a riot-like attack. “Hey, Anthony Michael Hall, you did not have to die bro, all you needed was a fucking woodchipper and a geek who could not beat up a teenager to stop him”. This film makes the whole franchise look bad. It took an hour to get to Myers and when we do, it is not the bad ass, it is the social security recipient who cannot even fight. This film felt like it was trying to serve two masters. One, to give us that final Michael stand. The other, to have a passing of the torch that they backed out of close to the end. Jamie Lee Curtis had to get a good payday to agree to this. She had to have read the script and knew how bad this would look for all involved. Does this film have kills? Sure, but they all seemed lazy and so painted by the numbers. I hate this film with every fiber in my being. I remember the ending credits on the screen, and I just started screaming and cussing at the screen. I never in my life felt so robbed and made a fool of by any film. This is absolutely a film that I hope every person involved in it feels sorry for fans like me and not only apologizes but pays us back for what they did to us.
